Essay on perceived ‘True Love’
It is my speculation that one of the most popular questions posed to people, both young and old, is whether they have a belief in ‘true love’. It is difficult to qualify what, exactly, counts as ‘true love’, but even with an elastic definition I can attempt to answer the question. In this essay, I will go by a definition thoughtfully provided by John Donne, one of my preferred poets, whose work I first encountered in High School. Excerpt below.
My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest ;
Where can we find two better hemispheres
Without sharp north, without declining west ?
Whatever dies, was not mix’d equally ;
If our two loves be one, or thou and I
Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die.
John Donne, ‘The Good-Morrow’
To deal more conventionally, I will operate on the definition of ‘true love’ as popularly provided by film, song and modern media in general. The love for a ‘soul-mate’ which is unconditional, undeniable and lasts forever or, failing a spiritual realm, until the parties involved have both reached a state of decay in which they could no longer ostensibly be claimed to have ‘feelings’ at all.
I will dispense with some initial arguments before moving on to my position on the issue. The first argument I will address is that which states that ‘true love’, as it is above defined, must exist, purely on the basis that (throughout most of recorded history) some variation of the idea has been in some way evident. The argument runs that it is impossible for so many poets, scholars, philosophers, religious leaders, et cetera to have been mistaken throughout the centuries. This argument is plainly fallacious; a clear example of an ad populum logical fallacy, or ‘appeal to the authority of the majority’, in which proof of true love’s existence is attempted through the claim that ‘all those people just can’t be wrong.’ Of course, as is easily demonstrable, truth is never decided by majority vote.
Another common argument on this matter is the Argument From Desirability or Convenience, which is one of my least favourite and certainly one of the more odious in common use today. I addressed this argument in relation to the existence of God in a previous article (found Here) and my conclusions are as follows; a ‘thing’ of any variety does not exist simply because you would prefer it did, or the world would be a superior place in the event that it did. In the context of ‘true love’, simply because some strong, inner ache for ‘true love’ is evident, does not mean ‘true love’ is waiting in the wings, preparing to pirouette onto the stage to fill the gap. There are many things which I would desire to be the case (I have always wanted to be able to fly like Peter Pan), but this does not mean they can be reconciled with the physical world.
A final objection which will lead admirably into my own views on the topic is that it would not be possible for adherents to the philosophy of ‘true love’ to imagine transcendentally wonderful ideology if it did not exist. I can appreciate the feelings involved in this assertion, because (as I have indicated above) romantic poetry, song and other media do resonate with me in such a way that it is possible for me to be moved to tears. This seems to be strong evidence for the case of ‘true love’, but in reality it is not. Imagination and the human ability to apply names and symbols to complex webs of meaning (see the work of Victor Turner) can provoke such reactions. Furthermore, as I will demonstrate below, this would accord with my own (limited) conception of ‘true love’ in any case.
One argument which I profess very strongly is that not all individuals feel (or, indeed, even describe) ‘love’ in the same way. There are certainly crossovers, as there are in the descriptions of any perceived concept which can be considered at least partially subjective. For example, fans of The Shins may simultaneously profess an intense feeling of spiritual connectedness and remark at the perceived similarity of the perception. This does not mean that The Shins’ music is objectively, inherently spiritual (I am a fan, and do not think so), but could be theorized to be either a coincidence or a case of confirmation bias: suppose you (like me) had disagreed with the proposition that the music was spiritual. In this case, the event would be unremarkable and (likely) forgotten promptly. Returning to ‘true love’, I theorize that it is an active search for connections, which breeds similarities, not an objectively felt quality which is precisely the same for every person.
My Personal Feelings
I am often accused of being an unemotional malcontent on the basis of the above. However, this could not be further from the truth in terms of my personal feelings towards my partner. Alexandra (the aforementioned) and I have been seeing one another on a romantic basis for a little over a year and I openly confess, when asked, that I have never in my life felt as strongly toward another human being as I do toward her. I feel a deep and binding affection, an almost unassailable happiness at our shared connection and a strong personal conviction that our relationship could last until such a time as one (or both) of us are no longer among the living. This described phenomenon would seem to be uncannily like the ‘true love’ described above. However, I had been convinced that I was in love before. The symptoms were the same; I felt more for a person than ever before, et cetera. Though I feel much more for Alex than I did for my previous engagement, said engagement still meets all the required hallmarks of being true love!
Is it then possible to claim that I am in ‘true love’ with Alex, but I was not previously? It would seem strange to do so, given that I may (in future) feel even more for another individual. It seems unlikely to me now (my heart feels full to bursting), but perhaps it is possible. Is this, then, not love? At this juncture I would decline that appraisal with some slight offence. It is plausible that both instances are/were ‘love’, but then they are not able to bear the hallmarks of ‘everlasting-ness’. Taking these facts into account, it is my argument that both instances are love, because I interpret the term to indicate the most profound feelings of affection and emotional connection available to an individual at any one time. This definition is pleasing in an adaptive sense, because it also allows for the love of my family, friends and housepets. They are simply on a lower level, not the most I am able to feel, but more than the least. Similarly, I can claim to have been in love more than once, without contradiction.
In the context of ‘true love’, I am forced to claim that the ‘jury is out’. I cannot assert that there is no objectively defined quality available to people who are ‘in love’, without a greater amount of research on a topic philosophers have speculated on for centuries. At this juncture, I do not believe that such an objective quality exists, but am open to the possibility of such a quality which, as I have established, I may (confusingly) already be feeling. One final argument to dispense with on the matter; “You only know ‘true love’ if you’re in it.” This statement is absurd; you are only able to identify ‘true love’ if you have identified yourself as being in ‘true love’? Or perhaps it means to say that some other person could (somehow?) identify it objectively. This argument seems to suggest that ‘true love’ can only be believed in by those who already believe in it, making it somewhat redundant.
Regardless of whether the emotional attachment shared between my partner and I is ‘true love’ as it is supposedly unanimously understood by poets and theologians alike (it seems to have all the hallmarks), I will continue to operate on my own interpretation of love; that it is the most I am able to feel for any individual at any given time. Supposing that an objective proof is delivered to me, I will (as I should) reverse my stance, or at least reconsider. However, I am unwilling at this juncture to, like so many others seem to, bandy the term ‘true love’ around at every available juncture. I expect there will be no way to know for certain until I am gasping my last strangled breath, having accompanied my good friend Peter Pan to too high an altitude and suffocated.
Tags: Backentry, essay, livejournal, love, old
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